I found it… the holy grail of online food idiocy. I know this makes me out to be a real bitch, and maybe I am, but I have to share. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before… copycat recipes! I found a holy slew of websites devoted to recreating the foodstuffs of Disney resorts, Applebee’s, The Cheesecake Factory, and the mind-numbingly underwhelming American favorite, Olive Garden. Seriously this shit is just depressing.
I have to ask… when did Disneyland become a place of culinary excellence? Oh right, it didn’t. At what point did people spending money to go out to dinner stop caring about the quality of the food or the fact that “cooking” at Olive Garden literally consists of microwaving pre-packaged sauces and pre-cooked chicken? You know what, I have like, a million more questions, all because I typed “copycat recipes” into Pinterest. Here goes.
Why do the words “Cracker Barrel” fill me with so much rage? Additionally, is it possible to say “Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole” without sending yourself into a hate coma?
What the fuck is a Sonic Frito Chili Cheese Wrap? It seriously sounds like poison.
In regards to Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger… WHY. Not even a question. Just, WHY.
Why is it that all Starbucks drinks look like giant piles of candy in a plastic cup? Is it okay to drink these as a fully-cognizant adult? Is buying one at the Starbucks inside Target for $5.50 seriously not doing it for you– you need to do it at home, as well? Additionally, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Why is Disney’s Chili and Beans called chili and beans? Chili IS beans. Chili IS BEANS! And why is Disney’s Chili and Beans the most standard-issue easy as fuck chili recipe I’ve ever seen in my life? Oh right, because Disney.
Speaking of Disney, can you watch this video without your head exploding? Because I can’t.
Just a few more questions to throw out there.
If you combine sweetened condensed milk, chocolate milk, and frozen cool whip in the blender to resemble a Wendy’s Frosty, is there any hope that you’re not cripplingly depressed?
How come all the Olive Garden salads appear to be primarily croutons?
Why would I want to make a McChicken sandwich at home (when it costs $1 at a drive-thru) if I had to
a) even remotely desire a McChicken in the first place, and
b) purchase a deep fat fryer to do so?
Applebee’s… what in holy hell is a POTATO TWISTER?! I think it’s a potato chip? Similarly, who goes to Applebee’s and leaves being like, “MAN I WANNA EAT THAT ALL THE TIME…IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME! Internet, come at me!!!”
Until today I have chosen to believe that this sort of person simply doesn’t exist, but oh, Pinterest, you’ve done it again! Thanks for instilling within me a deep-seated fear of the majority of the population. Cool. By now I’m fairly certain that everybody just sucks at eating.
On an unrelated but equally terrible note that I must share, I found a recipe for “2-Ingredient Nutella croissants”! If you thought making croissants would be difficult, YOU WERE WRONG! All you actually need is a can of croissant dough. And a jar of nutella. And you smack those together and PRESTO CHANGE-O, a recipe!
People, please. You’re hurting my heart.