Like most red-blooded Americans (because that is what I AM, DAMN IT), I am inherently fascinated with things that disgust and horrify me. This accounts for my morbid and earnest foray into the world of pro-eating disorder webpages that I frequented as a 12 year old, the oft-watched Intervention episodes as a teen (and later on: Hoarders, Toddlers in Tiaras, etc.), and other general train wrecks presented online that I can’t tear myself away from. It comes in many (many, many, maaaaany) glorious forms. But lately my interest is mostly piqued by the absolutely horrific displays of food on Pinterest. Listen, HATERS GONNA HATE. So I admit right now, I am being a judge-y, eyebrow-waggling, uppity food snob about this. AND IT FEELS SO GOOD. So please, enjoy my tour of the most disgusting food pins I’ve recently seen on Pinterest.
Cake Batter Martinis:
Okay, as if “cake” wasn’t already the worst flavor of ALCOHOL anyone ever thought of, they went ahead and made it cake batter. Since when is batter, in and of itself, a flavor of anything? This is nauseating, and possibly the most embarrassingly girly drink I’ve ever heard of. I guess it’s probably the whiskey lover in me talking, but HONESTLY- where is your shame!? Secondly, you rim the glass in frosting and dip it in sprinkles. Are we children? Are we at a party? Unless we are, the consumption of frosting should most likely be a littttttle more prudent. Also, “rimming your glass in frosting” is far too suggestive a phrase considering the childlike nature of this beverage. ABORT, ABORT!
Pepperoni Pizza Dip:
I am distressed by the pools of grease. If this were my slice of pizza, I’d dab a paper napkin on top a la 6th grade school cafeteria to soak up those puddles. But since it’s not a slice, it’s a dip, I suppose it’s to be inferred that pools of grease are totally cool to ingest. It’s a liquid, right? Like a DIP! So help yourself to a giant, molten pond of oily cheese and pepperoni! One helpful commenter suggested that it goes great with celery or carrots. Listen, I’m no health nut. But celery and melted pepperoni and cheese pizza DO NOT EVEN EACH OTHER OUT. BARF. Also, if you want to eat some crappy greasy pizza as we all feel like doing sometimes, just fucking do it! Don’t disguise it as a cutesy appetizer, you’re not fooling anybody.
Dorito Taco Bake:
I don’t know where to begin. Theoretically when all’s said and done, this thing tastes like a taco… but I eat tacos that taste like mostly like carne asada and cilantro. So, apparently there’s a whole other kind of taco I don’t even know about that tastes like crescent rolls (one of the ingredients) and Doritos (the other key ingredient [henceforth the word “ingredient” is now void of all meaning forever and ever amen]). I really have nothing else to say about this.
Cake mix plus quirky additions:
Apparently I’ve become a cake snob. If you’re gonna make a box cake STOP TRYING TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO THINKING IT’S NOT BOX CAKE! Whatever! Eat whatever weird box mix you want! But why are adding all sorts of random junk you found expired in your pantry trying to convince me it’s not a box cake!? I realize people are busy. Busy people should not bake cakes,they should just buy a nice one, or recruit their friends to make them a cake, because when busy people try to make cakes, this is what they come up with. And it’s awful.
For the record, I wholeheartedly discourage any recipe that includes the addition of chips or soda, for approximately one million obvious reasons.
Avocado and Cottage Cheese Snack:
You know, I’m not trying to be a dick. I appreciate the intention here. I like avocados. I like cottage cheese. At least this isn’t a crapload of hydrogenated shit. I might, in an act of low blood sugar desperation, eat this thing with no problem. I just hate that this is called a recipe. It’s two things. One of the things has a conveniently shallow opening and the other thing needs some sort of container. Thus, this recipe is born. Sigh. Siiiiiiigh.
Then there’s the entire category of Superbowl food, all of which is shaped like a football and completely unappetizing, but that should probably be saved for another post. I think my food-snobbery-crankiness has hit it’s peak for the evening.