Uuuuuuuuuggh, you guuuuys! When did it become totally acceptable to make/eat/blog about/advertise without any shame whatsoever your awful desperation food!?
Behold: More unseemly recipes from the terrible world of loveless marriages attempting to cure complacency with Hidden Valley Ranch packets and Pillsbury products! This, impossibly, appears to be an entire category of people, and it’s existence threatens to unhinge my fragile conception of my future life. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not let it be this.
Cheddar Bacon Ranch Pull Apart Bread
I would die happy if I never read the words CHEDDAR-BACON-RANCH combined ever again. WHY IS THIS A THING. Buying a loaf of sourdough and stuffing it with bacon, dry ranch powder, and cheese doesn’t warrant it’s own recipe/ copycat recipes/ how-to VIDEO on the internet. It does, however, deserve to be put it the Foods for Lazy White People Hall of Fame.
Stop it. Just stop.
Pizza Waffle Cones
Please, please stop. This is breaking my heart. Pizza reincarnated recipes are always followed by statements like , “The hubby goes cah-razy for these!” or in the awesome, half-drunken words of my BFF Riley, “The secret? Philadelphia CREAM CHEESE! My son just yums them up! …With my taco-ranch-bbq croissant rolls, he and my husband are saying ‘Mom’s#1!!!!”
(Thank you, Christina, for effectively summing up possibly the greatest Riley monologue of all time)
John calls this Dude Food. I call it a depressing, diabetes-inducing suburban nightmare of American hopelessness, but that’s just me. Other trending foods I despise: Buffalo chicken anything. “Roll-ups” (why!?). Skewered meats unnecessarily called lollipops. And this. Holy Jesus, this:
This is exactly what you think it is. This has replaced my getting eaten by dolphins nightmare as my regular dreamscape of despair.
Also, why must everything made in a crockpot have twelve descriptors in the recipe title? I found something called a Crock Pot Chicken Cream Cheese Casserole Bake. Honestly. And JUST because something has cream cheese included, it does not warrant it’s own space in the recipe title. I mean, you should probably keep it a secret. You have a terrible secret cream cheese addiction, and you should hide it from the world before you get diagnosed with heart disease. Then tell your doctor and for the love of god SEEK HELP/stop including Campbell’s cream of chicken soup in everything/go easy on the lil’ smokies.
Jesus. My internal rage with the universe is transmogrifying into internet-food-society resentment. Bear with me. I love you. Eat vegetables. Goodnight, amen, etcetera.