Hell Hath No Fury Like a Disgusted Food Elitist

3 Dec

Uuuuuuuuuggh, you guuuuys! When did it become totally acceptable to make/eat/blog about/advertise without any shame whatsoever your awful desperation food!?

Behold: More unseemly recipes from the terrible world of loveless marriages attempting to cure complacency with Hidden Valley Ranch packets and Pillsbury products! This, impossibly, appears to be an entire category of people, and it’s existence threatens to unhinge my fragile conception of my future life. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not let it be this.

Cheddar Bacon Ranch Pull Apart Bread

Cheddar-Bacon-Pull-Aparts

I would die happy if I never read the words CHEDDAR-BACON-RANCH combined ever again. WHY IS THIS A THING. Buying a loaf of sourdough and stuffing it with bacon, dry ranch powder, and cheese doesn’t warrant it’s own recipe/ copycat recipes/ how-to VIDEO on the internet. It does, however, deserve to be put it the Foods for Lazy White People Hall of Fame.

Pizza Cupcakes

pizza-cupcakes-15

Stop it. Just stop.

Pizza Waffle Cones

SONY DSC

Please, please stop. This is breaking my heart. Pizza reincarnated recipes are always followed by statements like , “The hubby goes cah-razy for these!” or in the awesome, half-drunken words of my BFF Riley,  “The secret? Philadelphia CREAM CHEESE! My son just yums them up! …With my taco-ranch-bbq croissant rolls, he and my husband are saying ‘Mom’s#1!!!!”

(Thank you, Christina, for effectively summing up possibly the greatest Riley monologue of all time)

John calls this Dude Food. I call it a depressing, diabetes-inducing suburban nightmare of American hopelessness, but that’s just me. Other trending foods I despise: Buffalo chicken anything. “Roll-ups” (why!?). Skewered meats unnecessarily called lollipops. And this. Holy Jesus, this:

buffalo-chicken-wing-cupcakes

This is exactly what you think it is. This has replaced my getting eaten by dolphins nightmare as my regular dreamscape of despair.

Also, why must everything made in a crockpot have twelve descriptors in the recipe title? I found something called a Crock Pot Chicken Cream Cheese Casserole Bake. Honestly. And JUST because something has cream cheese included, it does not warrant it’s own space in the recipe title. I mean, you should probably keep it a secret. You have a terrible secret cream cheese addiction, and you should hide it from the world before you get diagnosed with heart disease. Then tell your doctor and for the love of god SEEK HELP/stop including Campbell’s cream of chicken soup in everything/go easy on the lil’ smokies.

Jesus. My internal rage with the universe is transmogrifying into internet-food-society resentment. Bear with me. I love you. Eat vegetables. Goodnight, amen, etcetera.

6 Responses to “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Disgusted Food Elitist”

  1. Matt December 3, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

    Love this! ROFLMAO

    Do you really have a nightmare about being eaten by dolphins?

    • wolfsoup December 3, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

      Unfortunately, I did. My nightmares are horrifyingly realistic, too. It was graphic!

  2. Janice Bougehr December 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Sally, I LOVE it when your mom shares these blogs. And oh, how I needed a belly laugh just now. Thanks.
    Janice

  3. theathenenoctua December 6, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    The amount of grease in your post made me cringe. Although I will admit to loving cream cheese more than I should. 🙂

    • theathenenoctua December 6, 2012 at 9:39 am #

      Well, at least now I know my name links to someone else’s blog… weird.

      • wolfsoup December 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

        I thought that was odd…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: