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Sad Mecca

29 Jan

I found it… the holy grail of online food idiocy. I know this makes me out to be a real bitch, and maybe I am, but I have to share. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before… copycat recipes! I found a holy slew of websites devoted to recreating the foodstuffs of Disney resorts, Applebee’s, The Cheesecake Factory, and the mind-numbingly underwhelming American favorite, Olive Garden. Seriously this shit is just depressing.

I have to ask… when did Disneyland become a place of culinary excellence? Oh right, it didn’t. At what point did people spending money to go out to dinner stop caring about the quality of the food or the fact that “cooking” at Olive Garden literally consists of microwaving pre-packaged sauces and pre-cooked chicken? You know what, I have like, a million more questions, all because I typed “copycat recipes” into Pinterest. Here goes.

Why do the words “Cracker Barrel” fill me with so much rage? Additionally, is it possible to say “Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole” without sending yourself into a hate coma?

What the fuck is a Sonic Frito Chili Cheese Wrap? It seriously sounds like poison.

In regards to Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger… WHY. Not even a question. Just, WHY.


Why is it that all Starbucks drinks look like giant piles of candy in a plastic cup? Is it okay to drink these as a fully-cognizant adult? Is buying one at the Starbucks inside Target for $5.50 seriously not doing it for you– you need to do it at home, as well? Additionally, what the fuck is wrong with you?


Why is Disney’s Chili and Beans called chili and beans? Chili IS beans. Chili IS BEANS! And why is Disney’s Chili and Beans the most standard-issue easy as fuck chili recipe I’ve ever seen in my life? Oh right, because Disney. 

Speaking of Disney, can you watch this video without your head exploding? Because I can’t.

Just a few more questions to throw out there.

If you combine sweetened condensed milk, chocolate milk, and frozen cool whip in the blender to resemble a Wendy’s Frosty, is there any hope that you’re not cripplingly depressed?

How come all the Olive Garden salads appear to be primarily croutons?

Why would I want to make a McChicken sandwich at home (when it costs $1 at a drive-thru) if I had to

a) even remotely desire a McChicken in the first place, and
b) purchase a deep fat fryer to do so?

Applebee’s… what in holy hell is a POTATO TWISTER?! I think it’s a potato chip? Similarly, who goes to Applebee’s and leaves being like, “MAN I WANNA EAT THAT ALL THE TIME…IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME! Internet, come at me!!!”


Until today I have chosen to believe that this sort of person simply doesn’t exist, but oh, Pinterest, you’ve done it again! Thanks for instilling within me a deep-seated fear of the majority of the population. Cool. By now I’m fairly certain that everybody just sucks at eating.

On an unrelated but equally terrible note that I must share, I found a recipe for “2-Ingredient Nutella croissants”! If you thought making croissants would be difficult, YOU WERE WRONG! All you actually need is a can of croissant dough. And a jar of nutella. And you smack those together and PRESTO CHANGE-O, a recipe!

People, please. You’re hurting my heart.

I made you a video! It’s ridiculous!

16 Sep


Thank you  Mary Burwell for fishing the best cook book ever out of the library donation box and bringing it to me. My life is so much better now!


9 May

In a few minutes, C and I will be off to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi at the local independent film center… I can’t wait! I hadn’t heard of it til last night, but when I saw the preview I was like OH MAH GAHHHH and quickly found that it was only playing for three days, one of which is today and tomorrow isn’t an option because I bartend. So, good job, universe! Here’s the stunning trailer.

And also, I watched Tampopo for the first time recently and was blown away. Food lovers everywhere need to see this film… how did I not hear about it earlier? Granted, the sex scenes are… weird. To say the least. But the story is brilliant, the cinematography is beautiful, and even those weird scenes are kinda fun in a squeamish way. Just don’t watch it with your parents. Yikes! Here’s my favorite scene from the film.

Happy noodling! And sushiing!



UPDATE: The movie was magical, informative, and managed to make me cry. Twice. Not because of a moving backstory, or a touching monologue, but because of the sushi. Beautiful sushi being plated in slow motion in a shallow depth of field. Crazy, I KNOW.


Just nerdin’ out with my kitchen appliances.

26 Feb

Yesterday I was making cookies for my coworkers and felt the need to share with the world the sheer, unbridled power of Ralph, my one-legged Black and Decker handmixer. Not noted in the video: the fact that my hand was vibrating so much I nearly lost a hold of the mixer, how awkward it is to film with a camera phone and operate kitchen appliances at the same time, and my hideous hands.

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