Tag Archives: food writing

By the way

25 Jul

In case you’ve been staring blankly at your U.S. map lately, stumped and scratching your head because TEXAS TOTALLY BAFFLES YOU… well, luckily for you the good old Dairy Delite back in Warren, PA has some insight.


Yes, Texas IS a meat sauce! I get that it’s redundant to say “Texas sauce is a meat sauce,” but I really couldn’t handle this sign… unfortunately the disgruntled elderly workers did not seem to share my enthusiasm for the wording. Against my better judgement I tried the Texas sauce (as ordered by C, slathered atop some floppy french fries and covered in a gluey melted provolone), and I was nonplussed.

Come to think of, actually I was pretty plussed (is that a thing people say?), since I don’t think ANYONE could try these things and not react strongly in one regard or another. Not to say I enjoyed it, but it did illicit my curiosity, if nothing else, as, upon further inspection, the meat sauce appeared to be a gelatinous pile of orange translucent… er…. stuff, with bits of ground beef no larger than grains of rice suspended inside the pile. It looked like an aspic gone psycho, and tasted like better-forgotten cafeteria fare of the early 90s. Despite all this, I definitely ate a solid 4 or 5 bites of the fry-cheese-gel (served appropriately in a paper boat, as there is no other vessel that would properly transport the creation without meat gel gravitating toward your lap). I’m honestly unsure why I kept eating it, but I suspect that it had something to do with a long-untapped childhood food memory of those coveted cafeteria lunches that my mom never let me buy in grade school (THANK YOU, MOM, I OWE YOU).

Anyhow, this is all just me procrastinating since I should be working on the food piece I’m writing for the Weekly about food trucks. I got the assignment today, and if I don’t totally blow it, will have my first food article EVER published in next week’s paper. Oh, and my photos, too. Score! I’ll post it once it’s done, assuming I don’t make a total ass out of myself and totally fuck up my tenses like you’ve probably noticed I already do on a VERY REGULAR BASIS. Also, no swearing. Also, no all caps, which is hard for me. How else will people know that I REALLY MEAN SOMETHING!? Oh, right, and probably no question mark/exclamation point combos. This is gonna be tricky.

First food memoir down!

17 Apr

Wow, when I wrote that title I was like, that should really be in reference to MY food memoir and not someone else’s, but then again I really don’t have that much to say, so I’ll stick to my blog and reading other people’s accounts of their accomplishments. Anyhow, I finished up The Sharper Your Knife the Less You Cry by Kathleen Flinn this morning.

Overall it was a really easy read- I kind of felt like I was watching TV but without the guilt… it was conversational and mindless, but still entertaining. I had a hard time with Flinn’s self-congratulatory attitude, but it well worth it for the firsthand account of her cooking experience in all of Le Cordon Bleu’s three cooking classes (Basic, Intermediate, and Superior). The descriptions of the cooking techniques were really fun to read about, and I learned one major lesson from those 274 pages: EVERYTHING SOUNDS BETTER IN FRENCH. She’ll write a recipe for roasted chicken, but you don’t realize it’s JUST FUCKING CHICKEN until you go back and read the translation, because it sounded thick with unicorn magic and wizard spells (as all things read in French typically do).

Take for instance the dinner that C made me last night-

Balsamic glazed pork loin, broccoli with garlic, and butter-thyme rice, served with a balsamic reduction, cherry tomatoes, and mushroom. Granted… that sounds pretty majestic already, but now read THIS:

Balsamique vitrée filet de porc, le brocoli à l’ail et le riz au beurre de thym, servi avec une réduction de vinaigre balsamique, tomates cerises,et les champignons.

Also, everything in French was italicized (typical editing, I know), but COME ON. French is already like, the most romantic language on earth, and then you italicize it!? EVERYONE KNOWS THAT WHATEVER’S IN ITALICS IS ESPECIALLY SPECIAL. See? I just all-capsed AND italicized that and it was really super special. Obviously. SO, lesson learned. Apparently if I want people to think I am absurdly smart and/or possess genie powers, all I have to do it write more in French. Since I can’t speak French, I’ll leave it to google translate, which is probably butchering a million highschooler’s foreign language homework every day, but since I’m no longer in the educational system I feel okay with assuming I’m wrong most of the time. My, how the standards dwindle…
Alright. Tomorrow I’ll be starting Two For The Road  by Jane and Michael Stern (in order to allow my reservoir of imaginary dream jobs explode into a tragic pit of hopelessness EVEN MORE! Great!). Also coming up… a tour of really, really bad food photography.
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