Tag Archives: terrible recipes

Sad Mecca

29 Jan

I found it… the holy grail of online food idiocy. I know this makes me out to be a real bitch, and maybe I am, but I have to share. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before… copycat recipes! I found a holy slew of websites devoted to recreating the foodstuffs of Disney resorts, Applebee’s, The Cheesecake Factory, and the mind-numbingly underwhelming American favorite, Olive Garden. Seriously this shit is just depressing.

I have to ask… when did Disneyland become a place of culinary excellence? Oh right, it didn’t. At what point did people spending money to go out to dinner stop caring about the quality of the food or the fact that “cooking” at Olive Garden literally consists of microwaving pre-packaged sauces and pre-cooked chicken? You know what, I have like, a million more questions, all because I typed “copycat recipes” into Pinterest. Here goes.

Why do the words “Cracker Barrel” fill me with so much rage? Additionally, is it possible to say “Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole” without sending yourself into a hate coma?

What the fuck is a Sonic Frito Chili Cheese Wrap? It seriously sounds like poison.

In regards to Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger… WHY. Not even a question. Just, WHY.

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Why is it that all Starbucks drinks look like giant piles of candy in a plastic cup? Is it okay to drink these as a fully-cognizant adult? Is buying one at the Starbucks inside Target for $5.50 seriously not doing it for you– you need to do it at home, as well? Additionally, what the fuck is wrong with you?

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Why is Disney’s Chili and Beans called chili and beans? Chili IS beans. Chili IS BEANS! And why is Disney’s Chili and Beans the most standard-issue easy as fuck chili recipe I’ve ever seen in my life? Oh right, because Disney. 

Speaking of Disney, can you watch this video without your head exploding? Because I can’t.

Just a few more questions to throw out there.

If you combine sweetened condensed milk, chocolate milk, and frozen cool whip in the blender to resemble a Wendy’s Frosty, is there any hope that you’re not cripplingly depressed?

How come all the Olive Garden salads appear to be primarily croutons?

Why would I want to make a McChicken sandwich at home (when it costs $1 at a drive-thru) if I had to

a) even remotely desire a McChicken in the first place, and
b) purchase a deep fat fryer to do so?

Applebee’s… what in holy hell is a POTATO TWISTER?! I think it’s a potato chip? Similarly, who goes to Applebee’s and leaves being like, “MAN I WANNA EAT THAT ALL THE TIME…IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME! Internet, come at me!!!”

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Until today I have chosen to believe that this sort of person simply doesn’t exist, but oh, Pinterest, you’ve done it again! Thanks for instilling within me a deep-seated fear of the majority of the population. Cool. By now I’m fairly certain that everybody just sucks at eating.

On an unrelated but equally terrible note that I must share, I found a recipe for “2-Ingredient Nutella croissants”! If you thought making croissants would be difficult, YOU WERE WRONG! All you actually need is a can of croissant dough. And a jar of nutella. And you smack those together and PRESTO CHANGE-O, a recipe!

People, please. You’re hurting my heart.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Disgusted Food Elitist

3 Dec

Uuuuuuuuuggh, you guuuuys! When did it become totally acceptable to make/eat/blog about/advertise without any shame whatsoever your awful desperation food!?

Behold: More unseemly recipes from the terrible world of loveless marriages attempting to cure complacency with Hidden Valley Ranch packets and Pillsbury products! This, impossibly, appears to be an entire category of people, and it’s existence threatens to unhinge my fragile conception of my future life. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not let it be this.

Cheddar Bacon Ranch Pull Apart Bread

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I would die happy if I never read the words CHEDDAR-BACON-RANCH combined ever again. WHY IS THIS A THING. Buying a loaf of sourdough and stuffing it with bacon, dry ranch powder, and cheese doesn’t warrant it’s own recipe/ copycat recipes/ how-to VIDEO on the internet. It does, however, deserve to be put it the Foods for Lazy White People Hall of Fame.

Pizza Cupcakes

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Stop it. Just stop.

Pizza Waffle Cones

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Please, please stop. This is breaking my heart. Pizza reincarnated recipes are always followed by statements like , “The hubby goes cah-razy for these!” or in the awesome, half-drunken words of my BFF Riley,  “The secret? Philadelphia CREAM CHEESE! My son just yums them up! …With my taco-ranch-bbq croissant rolls, he and my husband are saying ‘Mom’s#1!!!!”

(Thank you, Christina, for effectively summing up possibly the greatest Riley monologue of all time)

John calls this Dude Food. I call it a depressing, diabetes-inducing suburban nightmare of American hopelessness, but that’s just me. Other trending foods I despise: Buffalo chicken anything. “Roll-ups” (why!?). Skewered meats unnecessarily called lollipops. And this. Holy Jesus, this:

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This is exactly what you think it is. This has replaced my getting eaten by dolphins nightmare as my regular dreamscape of despair.

Also, why must everything made in a crockpot have twelve descriptors in the recipe title? I found something called a Crock Pot Chicken Cream Cheese Casserole Bake. Honestly. And JUST because something has cream cheese included, it does not warrant it’s own space in the recipe title. I mean, you should probably keep it a secret. You have a terrible secret cream cheese addiction, and you should hide it from the world before you get diagnosed with heart disease. Then tell your doctor and for the love of god SEEK HELP/stop including Campbell’s cream of chicken soup in everything/go easy on the lil’ smokies.

Jesus. My internal rage with the universe is transmogrifying into internet-food-society resentment. Bear with me. I love you. Eat vegetables. Goodnight, amen, etcetera.

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